Having recently hit my energy rock bottom for the hundredth time, I decided to take a day off from being me.
A day off from running around in ever decreasing circles, a day off from feeling guilty, a day off from the constant checking of social media sites and a day off from the 'shoulda, woulda, coulda' that goes around and around in my head.
So today I have allowed my daughter to watch back-to-back Disney DVDs (she's on her 4th and it is barely afternoon) whilst still in her pyjamas (with her Snow White dress over the top). I have taken a really long shower and I have rubbed in all the lotions and potions that I feel should get used everyday. I have listened (properly) to Radio 4, drunk as many cups of tea and coffee as I can cope with, read some magazine articles and randomly clicked my way around the internet.
I recently read a blogpost on retraining a brain that is fearful of flying (I have one of those). The man who wrote the article followed me on twitter after I retweeted it, so I clicked on his profile and started reading more and more about his ideas.
And that is how I stumbled on my diagnosis.
I am just a Scanner. That is all that is wrong and right with me.
It is perhaps why I seem to burnout quicker than other people who work so much harder than me, it is why I am constantly wrestling with guilt and self-discipline. It is why I am easily distracted, waste huge amounts of time whilst I get ready to start my jobs and - ahem - may be a sign that I am bright, a fast learner and creative [see previous post for alternative view].
According to John Williams, Scanners are creative people with multiple interests and lots of ideas. The downside is a life of boredom, procrastination and unfinished projects. Scanners have also been described as approval addicts. Suzy Greaves used the phrase 'scattered energy' which resonated with me so much, I wrote it down. They often need someone to give them deadlines - which then keeps them committed. They are usually poorly paid (as they are not selling their skills) and working in a job that doesn't suit them as they are not brave enough to take the leap and make some of their ideas happen.
I am so sure this is me. I am unable to explain in a few sentences what I do for a job as I do so many different things for several people. I have a really wide spectrum of hobbies and interests and am constantly juggling so that everything gets equal energy. I strive the perfection of focusing on one thing for a significant period of time - even if that one thing is running my home.
I am not sure what to do now that I have my diagnosis.
I could buy the book and add it to the various Self-Help titles by the bed that I am interested in but haven't even started: The Power of Now, Wheat Belly, Emotional Intelligence and Bodies.
I could print off the free chapter of the book and add it to my reading pile: Psychologies, Country Living, Red and Mollie Makes magazines, Sue Johnston's autobiography and a transcript of a book on microbiology.
I could buy the audio guide and add it to all the other things I hope to listen to each day: Radio 4, music, podcasts and my relaxation CD.
Alternatively I could coast through the rest of today feeling rather pleased that I now understand myself a little bit better, make a cup of tea and read an article in Psychologies magazine that has caught my eye 'Stress less, feel better - why you should let go of your to-do list'.