Wanted: a mind less complex
Just a quick check in - all is well but I have been struggling to keep my head above the water, once again.
It appears I have raging hormones that only give me one happy and bubbly week a month. Perhaps that is why I started to write this blog in the first place - looking back, anytime when I have been ravaged with self-doubt, consumed with immense anxiety, struggling to cope with my beautiful daughter, irrationally angry towards my super-helpful and kind husband, desperate at the thought of another moment in my home or dreaming of a life somewhere else it has coincided with these monthly phases.
I am so embarassed that I have this affliction - I believe and trust in equality and yet I am not equal when I cannot cope for three out of four weeks of each and every month.
As I sit here in a good phase, acknowledging and aware of what has been happening, here are some things I know
a) I put myself under immense pressure - whether adding a monthly book group to my long To Do list, to baking our bread, through to trying to work almost full-time from home with minimal childcare.
b) I don't have a hobby that I can rely on during these 'down' times. I knit, crochet, garden, grow vegetables, read, run and write but all in phases - not exclusively or even daily.
c) I am rubbish at taking time out for me. As a general rule, I don't want to stay away or even be out for a day (although I am going out tomorrow - more about that in another post, no doubt), it just doesn't feel right somehow. Obviously I go to work, try to go to the gym and occasionally go out in the evening but each one of those is preceded by long periods of procrastination and a hope that some minor incident will enable me to cancel.
d) I am an all or nothing type - but maybe that's the nature of this particular beast?
So, what to do? Well, I have been to see the doctor so I have a plan. There is little I can do medically whilst I remain hopeful of another natural pregnancy, but there are things I can do.
And tomorrow is another day.
It appears I have raging hormones that only give me one happy and bubbly week a month. Perhaps that is why I started to write this blog in the first place - looking back, anytime when I have been ravaged with self-doubt, consumed with immense anxiety, struggling to cope with my beautiful daughter, irrationally angry towards my super-helpful and kind husband, desperate at the thought of another moment in my home or dreaming of a life somewhere else it has coincided with these monthly phases.
I am so embarassed that I have this affliction - I believe and trust in equality and yet I am not equal when I cannot cope for three out of four weeks of each and every month.
As I sit here in a good phase, acknowledging and aware of what has been happening, here are some things I know
a) I put myself under immense pressure - whether adding a monthly book group to my long To Do list, to baking our bread, through to trying to work almost full-time from home with minimal childcare.
b) I don't have a hobby that I can rely on during these 'down' times. I knit, crochet, garden, grow vegetables, read, run and write but all in phases - not exclusively or even daily.
c) I am rubbish at taking time out for me. As a general rule, I don't want to stay away or even be out for a day (although I am going out tomorrow - more about that in another post, no doubt), it just doesn't feel right somehow. Obviously I go to work, try to go to the gym and occasionally go out in the evening but each one of those is preceded by long periods of procrastination and a hope that some minor incident will enable me to cancel.
d) I am an all or nothing type - but maybe that's the nature of this particular beast?
So, what to do? Well, I have been to see the doctor so I have a plan. There is little I can do medically whilst I remain hopeful of another natural pregnancy, but there are things I can do.
And tomorrow is another day.
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