I'm trying it..... slowing down!

Over the past three years, I have been reading (and completing) my third degree, taking over some of the runnings of the family business and working part-time for a local management company. I have also been parenting, being an active family member and friend as well as looking after the home and pets.

Some people called me amazing and 'superwoman' and, although I smiled at the recognition, I didn’t agree.... at best I believed I was simply very good at multi-tasking and at worst I believed I was drawn to the complicated, switched on by stress and anxiety. But that was OK as everyone nowadays is stressed, being busy is a ‘badge of honour’, nobody is sleeping well, and everyone is trying to do five things at once. Right? 

And if I was struggling to stay on top of everything, surely that was because I wasn’t organised enough (cue: buy new notebook), eating well, exercising or just …. Not. Good. Enough….

And then a few things changed. I completed my degree (and I received a first, thank you for asking), the complicated feelings of grief I had been trying to wrestle into a box marked DONE pushed their way out, a very significant birthday loomed, our daughter had a few issues that needed my time and the part-time job, well, sadly, it was no longer working for me to have one thing consuming everything else. 

So, I resigned (surprising pretty much everyone) with no clear idea of what I was going to do.

And here I am two months later. 

Of course, I haven’t been doing nothing; the family business still needs me (it can’t afford to pay me, but it still needs me), I have covered a staff shortage at my husband’s pub for their lovely Monday morning community meet-up and there are a few cupboards and drawers in the kitchen that have benefited from a thorough decluttering. I have got my money’s worth from Netflix (Stranger Things, The Crown and Queer Eye) and Amazon Prime (The Marvellous Mrs Maisel) whilst ploughing through podcasts, setting myself high daily reading targets so I can hit 50 books in 2020 and walking our energetic Spaniel puppy for an hour a day.

And I‘ve realised it’s OK not to be silly busy. It’s OK not to have disposable income (well, for now anyway). And my identity remains intact without all the additional layers and complications.

I still wake in the night, but I have nothing major to worry about, so I don’t... worry. I no longer ruin precious family time on a Sunday with major anxiety. I now have the headspace to deal with the emotional issues around my Dad’s death that I have needed to deal with for some time. 

So I suppose I am unfurling. And guess what? The world is still turning without me at the helm.


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